Definitions for the 5 Keys System

You know you are experiencing Burst Bubbles when the complexity of stepfamily has become obvious and the fantasy of being like a nuclear family feels shattered. Often, a woman will realize that playing the role of mother is causing problems. Not knowing how you fit can be painful. Tensions rise, confusion sets in. There may be grief and other hard feelings.

Separation is a daily fact for stepfamilies, and this can trigger painful feelings. Even when in the same room, stepfamily members can feel left out when other stepfamily members interact. Children are always separated from one parent or the other. Stepparents and their partners are separated when the children get parental attention. Separation is a normal part of stepfamily life.

Connections are fragile, which can cause a sense of awkwardness, fear of being authentic, and pain when loyalties are conflicted. For example, stepchildren may avoid or become anxious when they start bonding with the stepparent, because they feel they are being disloyal to their mother. This can make the stepmom/stepchild relationship tricky.

Stepfamily members face loss of control every day, each for different reasons. Frustrations might grow and lead to conflict. 

Stepfamily members face loss of control every day, each for different reasons. Frustrations might grow and lead to conflict. Even if a stepmom is not usually someone who needs to be in control of situations, she may experience frustration with how little authority she has in her stepfamily home.

Decisions about visitation schedules, manners, meals, bedtime, how stepchildren will be or won’t be corrected, and other important elements of life are often made without the stepmoms input. This can lead to disorientation, confusion, a sense of betrayal, and lack of trust in her partner to look out for her best interests.

Stepfamilies are the most complex type of family there is. Stepmoms often experience confusion about what tasks and decisions they should take on, especially when parents have not figured out how to manage child rearing in separate homes.

Conflict and high stress can arise when the parents are not the only decision makers and doers. For example, stepchildren may also be given more authority than usual when their parent(s) are guilt parenting due to feeling guilty about the breakup. When the stepmom’s partner is trying to prevent being alienated by their kids, they may allow the kids to have more authority than usual. Also, when a stepmom inserts herself into child rearing decisions for her stepchildren, this can lead to conflict with her partner and the biomom. 

Power outages occur when you or your partner are faced with either no options, or only undesirable options. These are dilemmas and it is common to feel powerless when faced with a dilemma. 

Stepparents often face moral or ethical dilemmas, or a lack of the power that a parent would have to exert control, speak up, or offer support, which contributes greatly to stepmom stress.

Also, the parent's decision-making process can be negatively impacted by dilemmas. As the parent loses their power, everyone loses. In stepfamilies, parents' power is tugged at by children, stepparents, and former partners.

If a parent gets stymied and stops parenting effectively, the stepparent cannot make up the difference because they lack the necessary authority. Even with the 5 keys in place, gradually, order in the home is lost and the step couple begins to unravel. 

Eventually, when the big challenges are not addressed strategically, stepfamily members and entire stepfamilies burn out - almost 70% do not make it past the child rearing years.

This psychological exhaustion can take a toll on every aspect of life, such as physical and emotional health, wealth, career, spirituality, social life, romantic partnership, and the quality of the living environment. 

This is the first Key because it is the one that the other keys rely upon. Otherwise, we are just guessing. It is incredibly empowering! Stepfamily expert tips are very different from nuclear family tips. In fact, parenting advice can backfire and make stepfamily life worse.

Making savvy choices based on expert-level insight means being aware of and using what stepfamily experts say would be wise in combination with your own best judgment. Read articles, take courses, enroll in coaching, use stepfamily counseling, books, and other expert resources.

Stepmom stress, some studies reveal, is greater than stress experienced by mothers. To have the stamina you need for years of step-parenting, self-care is critical. Plus, you deserve to feel good!

Self-care for stepmoms means setting aside time to care for yourself weekly in at least 3 of the following areas: physical health, wealth, career, social life, spirituality, romantic partnership, emotional health, and improving your environment. 

As an adult, it is normal to feel the instinct to guide, even discipline any children we spend time with. However, this typically backfires for stepmoms.

Selective Disciplining means the parent does the correcting and the stepmom chooses to step back unless safety is a concern. This ensures that a Stepmom is free to build positive connections and trust with her step kids.

This Key relies largely on prior agreements about household structure (Key 4). Stepmoms have a harder time stepping back when stress is high (self-care is a key priority), or when the partner is not enforcing the household norms.

A positive relationship with step kids takes time to build. A negative relationship takes but a moment and takes a lifetime to repair. 

This depends largely on how well negotiations go between a stepmom and her partner. 

You may have noticed that being able to predict what is going to happen reduces stress. This gives a sense of control that helps everyone feel safer. However, predictability can be especially challenging to achieve in a stepfamily due to complex schedules and the diverse mix of people, their needs, and family cultures.

For many stepfamilies, there are several events that recur throughout the week that can stir up hard feelings. By being proactive, you can plan ways to reduce stress.

Sometimes friends, in-laws, even untrained counselors, and others who are not expert in stepfamily dynamics can complicate - or even damage - a step couple’s relationship. Stepfamily household life is complex enough without adding the strong feelings or behaviors of other people to the mix.

The good news is that setting boundaries does not have to destroy relationships. Boundaries can be set diplomatically, even when those boundaries are firm.

Outsider boundaries give you and your partner the privacy and space you need so you can go about the often messy business of figuring out the ins and outs of what you each need. Also, boundaries help us all feel safe. This is a vital part of a healthy romantic relationship. Since the couple relationship is the glue for stepfamilies, not the kids, boundaries are especially key for success.

Your emotional health impacts your mental and physical state. Strong emotional health results in a more positive outlook, feeling more energized and able to focus and think more clearly, lower blood pressure, reduced risk for heart disease, healthier weight, better blood sugar levels, and longer life.

Emotional struggle can show up in such ways as worry, anxiety, depression, guilt, chronic anger, a sense of worthlessness, or intense swings of highs and lows. These feelings are common for stepmoms and can be improved with support. More complex struggles can also be triggered, such as CPTSD. 

Stepparenting requires stamina, which requires physical health. Also, stepparenting takes a toll due to stress and loss of control over routine. Assessing your health is an important step toward successful stepparenting.

Strong physical health means a body free from disease and pain, functioning properly. There are several signs of a healthy body, including:

• Good digestion: Good digestion means that the body can break down food properly and absorb the nutrients it needs.

• Lots of energy: A healthy body has lots of energy and feels lively and vibrant.

• Clear skin: Clear, glowing skin is a sign of good health.

• Strong immune system: A strong immune system helps the body fight off infection and disease. Stress lowers immunity.

• Good circulation

• Well-functioning organs: All the body's organs must function properly for the body to be healthy.

• Balanced hormones: Hormones play a vital role in the body's functioning and must be in balance for the body to be healthy.

• Healthy weight

A positive social life improves our mood, thinking, physical health, and choices —all of which influence our health and life expectancy.

Research shows that stepmoms who are isolated suffer more negative effects and are more likely to leave the stepfamily. For a stepmom, it can make a significant difference if she has a social life that includes people with whom she shares about her stepfamily situation and who offer her constructive support.

A fulfilling relationship with your romantic partner is the glue of a stepfamily, not the kids. Your relationship can be a buffer against stress, and is necessary for creating a more peaceful, positively connected stepfamily together. However, it is not enough to be in love or have a great sex life. You are a team in the complex, emotionally risky business of running a stepfamily.

Learning ways to communicate with one another can make a significantly positive impact on your health and wellbeing. Also, a woman who strengthens herself by ruling her 8 Queendoms is more likely to communicate more constructively with her partner.

Your environment includes elements such as the physical space around you; noise levels; the quality of people's energy around you; odors; ease of use; safety; level of toxicity or health; conveniences; proximity to work, play, friends, and family; and other elements that impact your quality of life.

Stepmoms often experience lack of control over their surroundings. There can be significant mental health impact. This means that being willing to create more options for yourself outside of the home is important for Stepmoms. Also, using communication skills to negotiate with your partner about your surroundings can pay off.

A satisfying career or other role in the community helps a Stepmom in several ways. For example, it can provide time away from a stressful household, and build self-esteem, which may be challenged at home. Also, having reliable income gives women more options for self care as well as for leaving unsafe situations.

Money is power. Decide thoughtfully.

A stepmom's financial security gives her options, which lowers stress. Stepmoms are often caught in a bind when a partner, or stepchild, asks them for money. If they say yes without being able to afford it, their own stress just went up, and their options for caring for themselves just went down. If they say no… Well, that can be met with extreme judgment, such as being seen as the evil stepmother. With clear financial goals, it is easier for a woman to know when to say Yes and when to say No. 

Stepmoms can get support from what feels like something greater than themselves. Spiritual satisfaction means different things to different people. What does it mean to you? 

The variety of spiritual experiences have certain benefits in common. For example, you could experience stress reduction, tranquility, equanimity, humility, detachment, loving-kindness, compassion, trust, devotion, discipline, and courage.