You Deserve to Thrive: Avoid Childless Stepmom Burnout

Are you worried that it's just too hard to live with your partner's children when you don't have your own?

Are you worried you're going to go through stepmom burnout?

I've been there twice, and I discovered a system. Yes, I'm a PhD, so I love to do research, love to dive in deep to topics, and problem solve, through facts and evidence of what works, and then experiment, try it out, see what happens. Now, I am on a mission to give you the secrets of stepmom survival, even thrival!

Don't worry. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything.

Being a stepmom is extremely challenging for women worldwide, millions of us. There are 30,000,000 step parents in America right now and counting. In the 1st 5 years. 3 out of 4 women choose to leave or asked to leave. Compare that to just one out of 6 base jumpers who don't make it. That's an astronomical difference.

I am called to help lower those numbers, to help prevent stepmom burnout so that we can all live our bonus lives.

We need a plan. We need a playbook. Just like those NFL football players, right? If we're gonna win this Super Bowl, we need a playbook. In this post, I'm going to share with you part of my 5 key system.

There are three parts to the system that you have total control over. Absolute control so you can rest assured that when you're feeling stressed out, lonely, jealous, grieving, exhausted, overwhelmed, there are at least three things that you can control that have been proven worldwide in the research. And  stepmoms have told me, "This changed my life!" I'm here to tell you it changed mine as well.

You can count on the fact that as you lean into these 3 keys you can radically reduce your stress. So let's take a look.

KEY NUMBER 1 is expert insights. I'm an expert. You are here reading this, so, yes, you're already on your way with that one! There are other experts as well. There are a handful, just a handful of truly trained and competent step family counselors, and the same is true for step family coaches. Not everybody is certified, not everybody is trained. Seeing a specialist who understands stepfamily dynamics and where you can safely talk with your feelings openly, and you're not going to be judged and compared to what is healthy for bio moms, is absolutely imperative. So key number 1 is expert insight where the person is trained and sensitive to what your needs are.

Be cautious. There are some really outdated books out there that try to encourage us to become the super stepmom, superwoman. Perhaps you've already seen some? Thankfully those days are coming to a close for the most part.

We need an expert who's insightful about the grief, the jealousy, right? The overwhelm that childless or child free women face when they come into step. So I encourage you to seek experts and be discerning.

KEY NUMBER 2 is self care. Yes, I know, self care can sound a bit weak or soft, as if not not really a powerful enough strategy for surviving as a childless stepmom. However, please consider this today: we can take self care in a bit more radical direction, as a childless stepmom. Or as a stepmom approaching burnout or who wants to avoid burnout.

As a stepmom we are often dealing with a chronic state of challenge. Can you relate? Does that sound familiar? Chronic challenge means chronic stress.

So the rules for self care are completely different.

What would self care look like for you? If you're honest with yourself, what would care for yourself look like if you could just erase all concern about appearing like less than a woman or like less than a maternal woman? It's okay to ask yourself that question. I had to ask myself that question every day. In my first step family, I did not find an answer. I crashed and burned. In my second step family, I started with the answer. Every day, I was able to answer that question because I knew that if I didn't, none of us would survive it.

It's time now for KEY NUMBER 3. This key is all about tapping into your power to choose, your power to choose to connect more often than (if at all) correct. I have many regrets from my first time step mothering. The mother of one of my 3 stepchildren was not parenting. And when she was parenting, it was not pretty. So I became the de facto mom, and my goodness I tried my best to act like one, for 6 years!

I am sure you can relate. This was a very steep learning curve. Hugely steep. And, that is the15,000 foot high glacier that you and I are rock climbing on, every single day. We've got that pick axe slammed in there. We've got the little teeth on our boots, and we've got a rope. That's it.

And, if reactive, we could slide down or plummet at any moment.

So where is the power in that? Ask a glacier climber, the power is in the plan.

The part of your plan that I'm encouraging you to consider today is to take hold of these three keys. Take hold of getting yourself those expert insights and support. Understand the glacier and get the radical self care tools that you need to to be strong in your mind, soul, and body. Those two commitments will help you control your reactions.

How do you be mindful enough to not be reactive as a childless stepmother? It is very important to do, to make savvy decisions as we face three big challenges, as we climb not one but three glaciers. One is being a stepmom. It's tricky. The second is being childless, which means navigating our own grief, jealousy, resentment, and other hard feelings. And the third is the extremely steep learning curve of living/being with children in such a complex dynamic.

Amidst the stress and high stakes, how in the world do you avoid being reactive? How often are the stepchildren triggers of the grief, emptiness, or other hard feelings? To cope with this, I highly recommend getting expert support, doing self care, and choosing to connect or at least disengage,

Yes, it is very true: Putting these keys together asks a lot of us - a great deal of courage and self discipline. The payoff though can be equally big. Without taking these steps, a year from now could look very different than if you do try and do get your health and sanity back. You could enjoy a more positive relationship with your partner and perhaps even stepkids. 

If you have made it this far in this post, I know you have the motivation to put this system into practice. I hope this helps you feel inspired to take care of yourself. You deserve to thrive! I am here cheering you on, whether you decide to stay in your blended family or move on to prevent or heal from stepmom burnout.