Becoming An Epic Woman: 5 Keys to Unlocking the Future

What do you see in your future if you keep going in the direction you are going?

Ever just want to know what to do, right now, to save yourself and your stepfamily without having to reinvent the wheel and get crushed under it in the process? I can easily imagine the 18 million stepmoms who will drop out of their stepfamilies this year would too. Let’s set our sights on the 18 million who will remain and those who will do so happily. What is their secret? Some stepmoms have mastered the tools of the trade despite the outrageously epic level of complexity that is stepfamily. 

First, odds are high that those stepmoms are in partnerships that include these 5 commitments.

1.   Partners have realistic expectations based on expert advice.
2.   Each partner takes care of their own physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, social, and professional health.
3.   The biological parent disciplines his or her own children by being firm and supportive, while the stepparent focuses on positive connection. 
4.   Partners collaboratively structure the household rules and roles to achieve consistency and emotional safety for everyone.
5.   Partners keep strong boundaries between the relationship and ex’s, in-laws, and children.  

While there is no wormhole that will instantly take us from stepfamily pain to stepfamily peace, research and testimonials agree that the 5 key commitments are like shock absorbers along the way. Making a practice of these commitments increases our sense of trust, calm, stamina, and clarity so that we are more able to recover quickly from stressors and get on with the rest of our lives. Each will also challenge us in profound ways.

How are you putting these commitments to work in your life?

Of course, there are other factors at play, like our partner’s choices, our lifestyle choices, our willingness to change, and our stamina. Truth be told, stepfamily life is incredibly challenging, no matter what. It just doesn’t have to be traumatizing or take such a toll. You may even find yourself transformed into a stronger, more able woman in the process. 

I call these the 5 keys because they are demonstrated in research to help stepcouples and stepfamilies unlock their positive potential so they can achieve higher levels of functioning. Everyone in a stepfamily, including the ex’s, undergo enormous changes to adjust to stepfamily dynamics. See how these 5 keys can make a positive difference in your life. 

What will change if you use the keys more often?

Second, if one thing will get in the way of putting these keys into practice, it is ourselves. Similarly, one thing makes it possible – ourselves. In Alcoholics Anonymous it is said about relapse that, “It starts with the first think”.  We must master ourselves. This is why it is very helpful to work with a therapist or coach and to have a mindfulness practice while experimenting with these changes.

The keys add up to grace under pressure. Even with pre-marital preparation, the sobering fact for stepcouples is that in the newlywed years most of us experience psychological shock and midwife our partners through a great deal of fear, grief, and confusion while experiencing those feelings ourselves. Because pain of any sort impairs empathy, at times we may believe we are the only one suffering. We may demand care from our partner while overlooking that they also need it from us, and leave them in the dark alone (and they may abandon us as well). We may also overlook the pain of ex’s. 

Put plainly, possibly the most pivotal way to give a stepfamily a chance is to step back, loosen up, bless the mess, and not demand instant gratification, otherwise a crushing pressure breaks trust and sabotages what is possible. This really is make it or break it time. We may feel “done”, but it’s a choice between being done with our stepfamily or done with our own ways of reacting.

These keys add up to self-mastery. They help us get out of our own way in the world, not just in our stepfamily. Each is a personal path that brings us more into the present. There are few situations that will provoke as much soul searching and transformation as will entering into a stepfamily.

How much do you want peace?

I often hear, “Years of therapy did not reveal these issues. I thought I had it all together!”, or “Why can’t I stop reacting this way?” (versus “Why can’t they stop making me feel this way?”). This is why stepfamily life is a phenomenal opportunity for personal transformation. Shadows come into the light. Existential questions naturally arise, “Why am I alive? Who am I? Am I really all alone when I hurt? Do I have a choice about how to be? How do I choose to show up in the world?”

What if you had help making these changes?

Other steps have faced the same types of pain and have made it through. Many have realized that self-pity, not pain, left unchecked will dissolve us and our stepfamilies in our own juices. No matter what, once in a stepfamily, dramatic shifts will happen. With vision or faith or sheer desperation we reach across an abyss and grab the strong hand of who we will become. 

“What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, we call a butterfly”, Eckhart Tolle, who rose from lifelong depression and suicidal urges to become reportedly the most spiritually influential person in the world today, reassures us.

The price of not making these changes is high. But the change doesn’t come easy. It is a very precious and generous gift we offer others and ourselves, Stepfamily peace is a daily habit, not a destination. It can be a path of deeply meaningful personal transformation. And, there is a payoff for all this work. Overtime we more gracefully push against our own comfort zone, cultural conditioning, and past hurts to meet our stepfamily where they are at in the present moment, and in the process we meet our best selves as well. This empowers every area of our life. We meet our inner Epic Woman; the one who balances an incredible amount of complexity with wisdom, and we have changed the future.